How to break up with your phone: An experiment
Over the last few years, the social awareness of how our phones are affecting and manipulating pretty much every aspect of our lives has increased exponentially. As someone who uses their phones not just for connection and the day to day conveniences that it provides (maps, emails, music, alarm clocks) but also for “work” it’s not uncommon for me to spend 5-8 hours a day on my phone. THAT IS A LOT OF TIME OF MY LIFE glued to my phone screen. That’s 35-56 hours a week. 1,820 - 2,912 hours a year. That’s almost half of our waking hours in a year. That literally blows my mind.
I’ve seen myself evolve over the last few years in terms of my willingness to take a long hard look at my phone addiction. I’ve justified and minimized scrolling mindlessly in the name of “work”. I’ve told myself again and again that connection is important, and I’m just staying connected. I’ve scoffed at Tim when he dared mention I might have some sort of co-dependent relationship with my phone and social media. I’ve made excuses, got defensive, and tried to gaslight any friend that might mention even a brief hiatus from social or tech. I’ve said phrases like “I can quit anytime I want, I just don’t want to.” and pointed the finger back to people and said, “well, you’re on your phone too!” And mostly I’ve given into the fear that if I limited my phone or social media use in any way than the business I’ve built would crumble around me.
I recently took an intentional/unintentional social media break that created just enough space in my brain and between myself and my phone to get a subjective view on how my phone was affecting my life. I told myself I wanted to create a life where I experience more joy, more presence, more connection, and more generosity. However, most days I found myself anxious, stressed, irritable, unfocused, distracted and stingy with my time, energy and resources. Literally living the opposite of what I told myself I wanted. I was loosely connected to many, and not nurturing the few deep relationships right in front of me. And what’s more is that I was seeing without my phone and social media a LOT OF EMOTIONS coming out and up for me.
It wasn’t like limiting my phone made me fee less anxious, stressed, irritable, unfocused, distracted etc. right away, in fact I’d say it actually AMPLIFIED those feelings because no longer was I able to self soothe or pacify myself when those emotions came up with a quick dopamine hit through my phone. In the not so distant past I would find myself overwhelmed by my children’s emotions and instead of figuring out a way to work through that overwhelm so I could help them work through their overwhelm, I would typically grab my phone and check out, even if just for a minute to make it through the stress. When I was bored, or waiting for something (even if it was just waiting for a website to load!) I would reach for my phone. Everyone has their own personal dopamine loop, you know what I’m talking about. The apps or tools you routinely check in a predictable rotation every time you unlock your home screen. For me it was Instagram, gmail, Voxer, Slack. Open up phone, cycle through apps, sometimes get sucked in, rinse and repeat.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that holy crap do I deal with a lot of anger. I’ve always prided myself on being a peacemaker. For wanting things to be cool, calm and collected, and patted myself on the back for being able to keep my anger in check. What I’ve learned through the Enneagram is that as a 9 I actually struggle with anger, but I deny it’s existence in a superhuman effort to keep the peace. I see this playing out right now. Without a pacifier to keep my anger in check (my phone and its distractions) I’m seeing explosions of anger and emotion unlike I’ve never experienced before. It’s literally bubbling up and out on a daily (sometimes multiple times a day) basis. What a gigantic wake up call. Id given myself a gold star in the calm parenting department, only to realize I haven’t figured out how to handle my own strong emotions, and I certainly haven’t figured out a healthy way to teach my kids how to handle theirs.
That’s hard to admit for me.
So that’s a very brief rundown of the mental and emotional transformation I’ve had over the last month or so and the rapidly evolving relationship I’ve had with my phone and social media. Before the New Year started I had made a list of non-fiction books I wanted to read this year, and one of them was the book How to Break Up with Your Phone: The 30 Day Plan to Take your Life Back by Catherine Price. I had it, and sort of planned to read it at some time in the far off future, but for some reason, call it gut instinct or divine intervention, this book called to me and I opened it.
I was skeptical and resistant at first. I didn’t want someone telling me I had to give up my phone or devices completely. I didn’t want to me made to feel guilty or ashamed, and I was scared this was going to be a cold turkey all or nothing kinda deal and I didn’t want it! However it was clear from the start of the book, this approach was going to be completely different. The way its structured and the daily challenges it sets out for your are so easily digestible, make so much sense, and just feel so right that it almost becomes a reverse addiction - like I can’t wait to see what phone boundary I can put into place next as I open the book every morning! As I’m writing this, I’m currently on Day 11 I believe. I’ve cut my phone pickups in half, and decreased my time on my phone from 5-8 hours a day to 2 or less, and I’m not even close to being finished! I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it. Each time I log on to Instagram on my desktop to check something for work, it gets easier and easier to stop the scroll. The less I post, the less I’m drawn back in to check likes, comments, or reposts. I feel my mind getting clearer. I find myself reaching less and less for my phone, and it feels damn good.
I want to be extra clear and say again, that doesn’t mean that being and staying present is easy at all…at least not yet. I’ve spent years and years reinforcing the neural pathways that leave me craving tech and social media, and it’s certainly not going to be reversed over night. I’m dealing with emotional outbursts, bouts of depression and anxiety, anger, this foreign feeling of boredom that I can’t seem to handle, and it’s a lot. But I’m confident that this too shall pass.
I’m excited to see what getting hours of my day back looks like. For my business, my family, my relationships. I’m excited to see what happens when I experience more of the world around me with my people. I’m excited to see how I can creatively tackle a new way forward with my business. I.AM.EXCITED. What I’ve found already is that the connection I feared I would lose by being off social media is still available to me. I’m texting, calling, and emailing people more than I ever have and it feels damn good. People, clients, followers on social have reached out and we’ve exchanged numbers and had conversations. It is possible to stay connected off of a social media platform and this is so encouraging to me.
So now that I’ve given you my life story and my latest journal entry, I wanted to take you along on the ride that has been this digital detox. I’ve written some loose notes day to day for the last few days, and plan to document the full 30 day experiment here! Maybe you read through this whole thing and realized, you don’t have an issue or need for boundaries around tech or social media, and to that I say "“I AM SO THRILLED FOR YOU!” BUT, if you read through this and maybe you saw a little (or a lot) of yourself in my story, then my hope is that this inspires you to consider taking back your life and time. To establish healthy boundaries with your phone and social media, and to find a new way forward that leaves you feeling energized and encouraged versus anxious and depressed. If you do decide to read the book and do the experiments, I would LOVE to hear from you and be your accountability partner. I’m happy to share where I’ve struggled and specific things I’ve put into place to help me stay on track - it’s definitely not been easy or perfect, but it’s been life changing already. I hope this diary helps you!
Day One:
Did you know that if you’re an iPhone user your phone can track your screen time and pickups? Day one was all about simply becoming aware of your phone usage. I guesstimated that I use my phone an average of:
4.5 hours a day
180 pickups a day
Today I didn’t change anything about my relationship with my phone other than starting the process of becoming aware - feeling anxious about what will be asked of me in the coming days!
Day Two:
Today was all about taking another deep dive into my current relationship with my phone. Here’s what I figured out:
The things I love about my phone:
access to information instantly
connection with my friends and family
it’s ability to soothe me
being entertained by it
love maps and music abilities
Things I don’t love about my phone:
that I feel addicted to it
that I’m being “tracked” in various ways
at times social media
the unlimited access anyone has to me at all times
how it can control my moods
how it both soothes and increases my anxiety
that I can’t leave home without it
that I can’t be present with my family without being on it
The changes I notice in myself when using my phone include:
POSITIVE:
I feel like I’m in control and on top of things when I’m on my phone
NEGATIVE:
less presence
more anxiety
less time for simply “being”
less time for real deep work
more stress
more anger
more despair
more distraction
In a month from now I would love to be able to use my phone for less. I’d like to find alternatives to my phone as a go to device for everything. I’d love clear, doable boundaries around time and use. With my extra time I’ll read more, create more, be more present and focused on my kids and spouse and less anxious. My family and friends will describe me as more REAL and present and more focused. They will let me know that they feel loved and seen by me.
Congratulating my future self:
Congratulations Jess - you’ve done it! You’ve conquered your phone addiction and you now have a plan to move forward. You can do this! You can leave your phone behind any time you need. You’ve identified the feelings behind why you reach for your phone and found alternative ways to cope with stress, anger, boredom, frustration, etc.
Day Three:
The first time I touch my phone in the morning is at 5:30 am when my alarm (on my phone) goes off. Before I pick it up to engage with it, I feel like my breathing is even, posture is relaxed, my focus and emotional state is good, but have a little anxiety about the day unfolding at home.
When I pick up my phone to use it, I notice my breathing increases, my anxiety starts to increase, but I am still present.
When I’m on my phone, using it, breathing is more frequent and shallow, anxiety feels slightly improved. When I open my apps, there’s an increase in anticipation, a jittery feeling and then if I see something I get a spike in anxiety (that it could be something bad). If I open it and its fine and I can address it, I feel soothed. If its not something I can address or it is something bad, I feel tension, anxiety, frustration, fear and anger.
Even after I’ve put my phone away, I feel heightened emotions, I feel like I’m missing out on something happening, I feel sad, and also ashamed of myself.
I most use my phone when I’m sitting on the couch, watching tv, in the kitchen at the kitchen counter, when I feel anxious or bored, when I’m in the bathroom, any transition times, or even during interactions with my kids that make me feel overwhelmed.
Day Four:
So today I took stock of what my phone usage is like, I noticed I actually:
spent an average of 4.7 hours a day on my phone (and this is without Instagram or Facebook on my phone!)
61 pickups a day
What surprised me is that even with no social media apps I still managed to find alternate ways to let my phone take my time. I also thought I’d pick my phone up more often!
Yesterday I had a panic attack and noticed that I spent the most time on my phone of all the days this week. It’s hard to know if the increased phone time was a cause of the panic attack, or if I was using the phone more to reach out to friends and family for support. I have an amazing community at my fingertips, but I’m wondering if this is me still relying on feedback from others to soothe myself rather than working through things.
I noticed that I still don’t stop myself from picking up my phone whenever I want. I cycle through email, Voxer and slack multiple times a day - anxious that I’m missing something and looking for something “to do”. I reach for my phone when stressed or bored. I can’t sleep especially after scrolling Pinterest or window shopping online. Interruptions feel kind of exciting, like “oh, there’s something I need to do - let’s do it now.” Instead of what I’m currently doing. I also notice that I will seek Instagram on my desktop and still get sucked in.
When I’m using my phone it’s typically to soothe some sort of intense emotion. It would only feel good if there were something significant to do after I opened up my phone, like a Voxer to read or respond to, or an email that needed a response. What surprises me the most is that even as I’m repeating these patterns and in my mind I’m thinking that I don’t want to - I STILL DO IT.
Today I cleared my home screen to read: WHAT FOR? WHY NOW? WHAT ELSE?
Day Five:
Today I got rid of all social media apps from my phone and it felt good. I realized I’d be wiling to pay:
$200 a week for access to Instagram
$20 a week for access to Pinterest
$10 a week for access to Facebook
Seems scary to think I would consider throwing away that amount of my budget to spend time on social media.
Day Six:
Today I’m thinking about all of the possible ways in which I could spend the extra time I have now that I’m not on my phone as much.
I’ve always loved to:
read
exercise
listen to music
be artistic
I’ve always wanted to:
learn an instrument
make a capsule wardrobe
landscape our yard
declutter our home
interior design our home
learn about cocktails
learn more about makeup application
When I was a kid I was fascinated by:
books
spooky things
mysteries
animals
If I had more time I would like to:
make our home an oasis
organize and dive into plant care
pick a fiction series to read through
take some masterclasses
learn about my personal style
understand my human design
landscape our yard
plan a family vacation
see my friends more often
spend more intentional time with family
have a family game night
have a coffee date with a friend
take a class at the gym
Some activities that I know that put me into flow:
art
music
yardwork
jogging/walking
reading
puzzles
being by water
Day Seven:
We are in quarantine so getting physical has been hard, but today we played outside in the yard and did yard work together. I also bought an analog alarm clock!
Day Eight:
Today I turned off all notifications, badges, etc and it felt amazing. No more anxiety every time I open my phone and see unread or unanswered message or emails. I also downloaded the app Call Protect to block spam and telemarketer calls/numbers to lessen the amount of calls and distractions I get on my phone.
Day Nine:
Today I organized my apps and only have real tools on my home screen. I also turned my phone to grayscale, and cleared my phone menu bar. Feels easier to set these boundaries. I also deleted Voxer from my phone and purchased the Freedom App to use on my desktop and phone to limit distractions and increase focused work time. I actually love being able to use Voxer on my desktop now!
Day Ten:
We started keeping our phones out of our room at night now that we have an analog alarm clock - it’s great! We now plug our phones in at night in the kitchen where they still until we’re ready to use them. I also ordered a time locking container for dedicated work and distraction free times. Really excited to see how this translates to more creative work time when the kids go back to school!
Day Eleven:
I’ve mostly been working on ways to eliminate the “negative” habit of reaching for my phone for all things. Today I’m challenged to find new ways to create positive habits in place of reaching for my phone and to identify new ways to get what I’m seeking when I’m reaching for my phone (boredom, distraction, soothing, etc.). Here are some random thoughts around that:
When I’m seeking to be soothed, instead of reaching for my phone I can:
create a calm, soothing, daily environment by
diffusing oils
having a clean home
placing soothing art
instead of seeking my phone to soothe I can
use tools I learn in therapy
rely on my morning routine to create a calm mindset
read a calming book (for me, the Bible)
meditate or practice deep breathing
When I’m driving and bored, wanting to reach for my phone, instead I can:
jam to my favorite music (create a driving playlist)
listen to a podcast I’ve queued up
put my phone in the glove box
pray
When I’m at home and bored, wanting to reach for my phone, instead I can:
have my stack of books out and ready to read
have my iPad and iPad pen out and ready to use for art
have puzzles stacked and ready
have pots and plant things ready to use
have a family game stack ready to go
have a podcast lineup ready to tune into
When I’m seeking connection on my phone, here’s what I can do to find an alternate way to connect besides using social media:
make sure I have a robust email address book
have my phone contacts organized so I can call or text someone
go to Project Broadcast and connect with a client
write a blog or newsletter sharing something
send a Voxer via desktop app
plan a coffee date
have special time with my kiddos
have a date with Tim (even if its just at home)
connect with the Modern Mamas Community via Patreon
When I’m reaching for my phone to get new information or learn something, instead I can:
use my computer
take a masterclass
download an ebook to my kindle
When I’m using my phone as an escape from life, instead I can:
practice breathwork to stay present and move through the emotion
go for a walk
go outside
take a nap
read fiction
Day Twelve:
Today I’m sharing a bit more about how I’m using Freedom to block my phone and desktop usage of certain apps. Right now I’m not really able to have dedicated “work” time as the kids and the husband and the dogs and all of us are home together in quarantine, but I have been experimenting with it, especially in the evenings to see how it feels to WANT to get on certain sites but be unable to. Freedom is an app/website blocking service that can block the use of certain apps and websites across multiple devices (in the paid version, which I have). You can schedule these sessions in advance, if for instance, you know that in the afternoon, as you get tired, you tend to reach for your phone to zone out. Or if you want to prevent yourself from checking email or work related things at night, you can set a timer from say 5:00 pm til 9 am - so you can have a true non-working hour break from work. Currently, I’ve set Freedom to block work stuff (email, Voxer, Slack), social media, and shopping each day from 5 pm to 8 am and while it’s been an adjustment, it’s really been great. I can’t wait to use it when the kids go back to school to make sure that I have intentional creative and thought provoking work time to finally do the things I’ve always wanted to do.
I also just got in my Ksafe lock box yesterday and I AM SO PUMPED FOR THIS. The Ksafe lock box is a cool little gadget that allows you to put anything you need a break from but can’t seem to shake in, and then lock the top for however long you determine. You cannot reverse or break the box open early - unless you truly smash it to pieces. I know for some of you this may seem a little extreme - but I’ve literally tried to adjust my relationship with my phone through sheer force of willpower more times than I can count. For me, IT NEVER WORKS - because honestly, that’s what your phone is designed to do, keep you coming back, wanting and NEEDING more. It’s not a willpower thing. Your phone is manipulating you. You’re not weak if you can’t just give it up. So if you’re like me, and this addiction is strong - you may need physical agents like Freedom or the Ksafe Lock Box to help you form new healthy habits around it’s use.
Day Thirteen:
Today I’m exploring the concept of “No-Phone Zones”. These will be several places or physical locations that I’m going to simple NOT allow phones in our home.
the dinner table (we never had phones at the dinner table, but now just being really clear about it)
our kids’ room (if we are in there I want it to be for being present, playing, reading with our kids)
our bedroom (unless its working during the day)
the bathroom (you just don’t need your phone to poop, you really don’t)
the car (there is no text or app more important than keeping myself and others safe)
I’m also going to give my phone a wakeup time - I want to NOT reach for my phone at least an hour after I wake up. My phone wake up time will be 7:00 am to pick up and use basic tools, and 8 am for work tools. To enforce this I will set a recurring session on Freedom that will start at 5:30 pm every day to 8 am every morning. This will block the apps that distract me until normal work hours!
Day Fourteen:
Today I mused on the idea of “phubbing” or phone snubbing, which is essentially being on or checking your phone in the presence (virtual or real life) of other people. I DO THIS A LOT. I thought about what me checking my phone, scrolling an app, or responding to a text or call while i’m with someone else communicates to that person. It essentially says, “I’m bored with this conversation, with you, I have something that is taking priority over what you’re saying, that this isn’t important to me”. DAMN. That sucks. And when I think that that’s the message my kids, my spouse, my closest friends get from me - I feel terrible. So today, I am creating a space at the front door for friends and family members, and myself to leave their phones when they enter - kinda like taking your shoes off at the door, this will be a way to show our friends and family our priorities - which is our relationships and time spent with them! We will ask everyone staying for any amount of time to leave their phones in the baskets. I’m hopeful this will be a great experience for all!
Day Fifteen:
Today was all about starting the process of reclaiming brain focus and attention and space. I actually already feel like I’ve gotten SO MUCH SPACE already in the two weeks I’ve been so intentional with my phone. The fact that my phone no longer has apps and distractions on it that suck me in has been huge! What I’m finding however is that I seem to have an addictive personality that is latching itself to anything really - I downloaded a fiction book on my kindle and I can’t stop reading! Which is normally not a problem - reading is good, but I find myself wanting to read instead of engaging or doing anything else, so that’s something to keep an eye on. Today I practiced the exercise of “Stop, Breathe, and Be” and it felt amazing. Something as simple as taking a deep break and closing my eyes can really bring some calm and peace. Going to practice doing this before I reach for my phone or computer.
Day Sixteen:
Today is all about being STILL, which I have a huge challenge around. I’m always moving, doing, checking things off my neverending to-do list. One of the things I’ve struggled with the most during this experiment is not having the distraction of my phone or apps to soothe me or keep my mind occupied throughout the day. I’ve struggled feeling the feelings of boredom, anger, loneliness, disappointment. And let me be clear, there are moments when I do truly feel lonely and sad. My default mode is generally optimism and happiness. Or so I thought, but what I’m realizing now is that I lot of that happiness centered around avoidance of negative feelings. Today’s exercise doesn’t feel that daunting however as I feel like I’ve already made a lot of strides since removing things from my phone that allow me to check out. Today I’m supposed to focus on pausing and just being still. I’ll look for these times when I might normally reach for my phone:
bathroom
driving
any transition from one activity to the next
when kiddos get home and I’m tired
I’ll also try to avoid reading to check out as well. It seems I’ve supplemented fiction stories as a way to escape. I’ll treat my books and my kindle with more boundaries at least while I’m with my family.
Day Seventeen:
Attention building. Focus. What a wild concept. I think back on even 2 weeks ago, and what a work session for me would look like. I’d sit down at my computer to tackle something on my list and put my phone face down next to me and say (internally) “Ok, I’m not going to get on social media for the next hour while I work.” I ALWAYS start out with the best of intentions, and quickly find myself not only reaching for my phone to just “check” social media, but sometimes get caught scrolling, sometimes then also get stuck in my flow of checking email, Voxer, and Slack while I was at it. My hour work session would turn into 30 minutes of actual work, periodically interrupted by reaching for my phone. Sometimes I’d even give my phone to Tim to hold, but almost always asking him for it back because I “needed” it for work.
This is the day I realized I actually DO have time. I have just as much time as anyone else in the day, but what I’m choosing to do with it most of the time is not in alignment with what I say I want to achieve, or my values - because 30 minutes on my phone every hour ends up being a LOT of hours with no real fruit to show for it.
So today is about attention building. Training my mind to focus on ONE thing at a time. I think we’re often told multitasking is a super power, I actually think the opposite now. If we give subpar attention to multiple things, we aren’t giving true attention to anything. Today I’ll take 10 minutes to focus, potentially using one of these activities to get me there:
reading print
thinking about a complex problem I need to solve
attempting a Rubiks cube
send a hand written letter
listen to a song laying down with my eyes closed
Day Eighteen:
Today is all about mindful meditation. I’ve been consistent before with meditation and it is SO POWERFUL. Unfortunately in the past I’ve fallen off the meditation wagon fairly easily if my routine gets thrown off. Today was a really great reminder that staying focused and present takes practice. Because of many things, including our phones, our minds ability to stay focused and undistracted is challenged. I loved sitting quietly today an focusing on my breath. It almost immediately calmed me. I’ll be looking forward to getting back to meditation!
Day Nineteen:
Today is all about prepping for my 24 hour phone/electronic separation. I AM READY. We’ve planned a day of things to do that don’t leave me tied to my phone, and it’s so great that incrementally I’ve been decreasing my phone use over the last almost 3 weeks! I’m going to start my separation tonight at dinner and stay separated until Saturday evening! I AM SO PUMPED.
Day Twenty - Twenty One
Trial Separation!
Day Twenty Two
Today is all about reflecting on the trial phone separation I had this weekend!
What did I observe about myself during this separation, what did I SEE?
This weekend we got the opportunity to see some friends we haven’t been around in a really long time. Our kids are best friends, and we’ve been quarantining pretty much all year from one another. This weekend I got to see myself totally present in this friendship and these moments and it was really amazing.
What do those observations make you THINK about?
It makes me think that maybe I don’t need to document every single thing that happens to me. I did miss having my camera phone with me, because I do love pictures to look back on, but I also have a real camera I could use if I really wanted to. It made me think that I can definitely leave my phone behind more often and the world will not fall apart.
Now that you’ve made it through the hardest part, how do you FEEL about your phone itself and your relationship with it?
I feel much much MUCH less drawn to my phone. There’s nothing on it that draws me in or really interests me anymore. I can leave it untouched for hours on the weekend and it doesn’t bother me a bit. I feel like these boundaries are great, but I’ll have to watch that I’m not replacing that phone time with computer time.
Now that you’ve finished your trial separation, what do you WONDER about? What questions do you have? What do you want to know more about? What would you like to investigate further?
I’m really wondering about how this phone separation is affecting my mental health. To be fair, a lot has happened over the last month - but I’ve honestly never felt so melancholy. I feel sad a lot. I feel almost depressed throughout the day. I find myself reading to escape - which I know is not necessarily a bad thing, but I still am struggling being present with my feelings and I feel frustrated with myself, especially in regards to parenting. I’m very curious about how this detox phase affects mental health this way - at least at first.
What was the hardest part?
The hardest part was not having my phone to look up directions, or the answer to a question we had - and just having to say “I don’t know.” I also processed a lot of emotions on the way home from our trip and just had to sit there quietly in the car and kinda stew in my emotions.
What was the best part?
Being FULLY present in community with my dear friends.
What surprised you?
What surprised me the most is that I truly didn’t miss my phone at all. It felt natural and normal to not have it with me around friends. I didn’t set an alarm to wake up, I didn’t reach for it to scroll or feel the need to scroll. It was great.
What did you learn from the experience that you can take with you after the official breakup is over?
Right now what I’m struggling with is figuring out how to deal with all these FEELINGS. In the process of searching for a therapist to help, but feeling really stuck and overwhelmed with all the emotions that are coming up during this time that I don’t get to use a phone to soothe myself. I really did not expect that part.
Day Twenty Three
Today we’re thinking of the idea of a regular phone fast - times during the day when you can naturally leave your phone at home or locked up to continuously reinforce the idea that we don’t need our phones with us 24-7. I think for me, regular fasts include:
daily walks
any work call I’m on
at least one 30 min dedicated work time each day (phone locked up)
I’d like to aim for at least one 2 hour block of time each day on Saturday and Sunday
Day Twenty Four
Today I’m thinking about managing my invitations - but not in the way you think! This is in reference to managing my brains invitations to do things, ie when I wake up, my brain may invite me to check my phone first thing to see if anyone messaged me. Managing my invitation would look like asking myself if I really need to do that now, or can it wait. Our brain invites us to do MANY things during the day that we don’t always NEED to do, whether its out of habit, or boredom, or anger, or upset, or happiness - I think you get the picture. Pausing to control our reaction to those invitations is really part of the process of being mindful.
Day Twenty Five
Today is all about other ways to clean up your digital life, and I’m so pumped!
Email: ok, unsubscribe game is super important - I have an app called Unroll.Me that helps me unsubscribe, roll up, or keep messages in my inbox and I love it! Going through all of my email accounts right now to make sure it’s up to date and only the most important things stay!
I’ve also created a RESPOND email folder in my inbox to help things stay as organized as possible.
Social Media: I’ve also been spending some time unfollowing people on social media. This takes SO MUCH TIME because you can only unfollow I think around 200 people in a 24 hour period. So slow going, but super into that right now.
Driving: I already have “Drive Mode” turned on my phone. Really working on not touching my phone will driving! I still struggle with this!!
Linked Accounts: I try to no longer sign up for anything using my Facebook or Gmail account as login. Working on this from this point forward!
Day Twenty Six
I can’t believe this guided process is almost over!! Today is all about checking your checking - meaning, when you have the desire to reach for your phone, pausing to ask '“what’t the best thing that could happen if I check my email/social media/Voxer/slack/news etc.” and realizing that the likelihood of that happening is very low. What’s most likely is that you’ll find something that upsets you. We also chatted about using the cue of OTHER PEOPLE checking their phones to form a new habit. When you see someone checking their phone, for example, you take a deep breath.
Day Twenty Seven
I can’t believe I’m almost done with this little experiment! It’s truly been life changing, and I’m so glad I did it, but one thing I do want to say is that I KNOW, at least for me, that this is going to be a constant battle to maintain boundaries. I’m already seeing tiny situations in which I can slide back into old habits around device use, and its something I’ll have to be highly aware of.
Today I was challenged to think about more ways in which I can become untangled from my devices, and the good thing is I’m already doing some of them! Let’s chat some ideas:
1)Consider a regular digital sabbath. I think after this experiment, I’ll regularly turn my phone off on Saturday evening, and not pick it up again until Sunday evening. I think it’s great for me to get a regular break from tech to continually reinforce that I don’t NEED my phone to be useful, actually my phone NEEDS ME to be useful.
2)Untangle your devices. I’ve done this in some ways already! I have a kindle and/or reach for real paper books instead of reading on my phone whenever possible. We’ve already invested in an analog alarm clock which has been awesome. Another suggestion was getting a separate music player and digital camera. I don’t have those, and not sure if they’d be worth the investment, but I’m going to look into it.
3) Create a “house phone”. You can use old phones that don’t have plans that are solely there to be used for their tools, like calculators, music, camera, etc.
4) Use your phone’s suspension modes often. Don’t forget airplane mode and do not disturb mode are your friends!
5) Get a “dumb phone”. Definitely an option for me!
Day Twenty Eight
Today we’re going to be outlining our re-entry plan. Basically, putting down in writing thoughts about how we want to move forward with our phone. I’m so pumped.
1) I have healthy phone routines.
Where do you charge your phone?
My phone is charged on the kitchen counter at night.
At what time do you put it away for the night?
I put my phone away at 8:30 pm every night.
When do you check it for the first time in the morning? (weekdays and weekends)
weekdays: 8:00 am
weekends: 9:30 am
Where do you keep your phone while working?
When working I keep my phone in the kitchen drawer
during a dedicated work time, I keep my phone in the lock box
Where do you keep your phone while at home?
When at home, I’ll keep my phone in the kitchen drawer.
Where do you keep your phone at meals?
kitchen drawer
Where do you carry your phone?
in my purse
What do you use your phone for?
i use my phone for calling, texting, Project Broadcast, maps, podcasts (right now), music (right now), Plant watering reminders, calendar, tasks, IG when I need to post something, calculator, weather, camera, timer, internet search occasionally, Beautycounter app, downloading books from the library, gym app, period tracker
What are situations in which you have decided you DON’T use your phone?
I don’t use my phone when my kids or anyone else is in the car
In the car, I only use my phone to listen to music or podcasts (Voxer if on a long drive only)
at meals (home or out)
when gathered with friends, unless to take a picture
Which apps are tools that enrich or simplify your life?
All the ones I listed that are still on my phone!
Which apps do you know are dangerous/most likely to to suck you in?
IG
Email
Slack
Voxer
Poshmark
Based on the above answer, which apps do you block and when?
All of these apps are removed from my phone, but I also block them on my computer during a dedicated work session.
2) I have manners and I know how to use them
Where do you keep your phone, and how do you interact with it when you are
spending time with people - in my purse or in the kitchen drawer
watching a movie or show - kitchen drawer
having a meal - kitchen drawer
driving a car - in the console, but all other apps blocked
in classes, lectures, or meetings - in my purse, or in the kitchen drawer
3) I cut myself a break
I am allowed to get on IG to post something for work. My hope is that i’ll do this in the second part of the day (After lunch), and I’ll allow myself 30 minutes to post and catch up on messages, comments, etc.
4) I Phast
My plan is to have a regular Digital Sabbath - phone off Saturday night, turn it back on on Monday morning
5) I have a life
Things I like to do include (instead of scrolling)
puzzles
reading
sitting outside in the sun
walking
listening to podcasts
texting friends
6) I practice pausing
In moments of downtime, I practice breathing. Sitting, thinking. This is important for me to understand that doing is not always better than being.
7) I exercise my attention
I do not use my device while I’m watching a movie or show
I do not use my device while I’m having a conversation with someone else
I put my phone away when I’m on a call
I try to “flow” 2-3 times a week
Day Twenty Nine
Today I created a monthly check-in to assess my phone boundaries and relationships! I will do this at the end of every month as a reflection exercise to see what needs to change (if anything).
Day Thirty
Welp, I did it! I actually committed to 30 days of something, maybe for the first time in my life?! I don’t know, but I’ve woken up every single day these last 30 days and read through each prompt and done each experiment with intention - today is all about recognizing how far I’ve come and WHOA.
When I started this experiment I spent about 4.7 hours a day on my phone (and this was after taking Facebook and Instagram off my phone!) and I averaged about 61 pickups a day. As of today, I average about:
2 hours a day on my phone
about 40-50 pickups a day
And I’m proud to say most of my pickups revolve around talking to friends and family and/or listening to podcasts!
I am damn proud of myself. Let me be clear, my relationship with my phone isn’t 100% perfect, and there are times when I still use it to scroll (albeit a much shorter amount of time), and I’ve overstepped boundaries of set from time to time, but for the most part, I feel more like each time I do break a boundary it’s an intentional choice and not a compulsion to do so. It feels good to feel like I’m regaining some of my own free will when it comes to my phone use.
I’ve also tackled several things already from Days 6 and 11! I’ve read an entire fiction series and then some, as well as several non-fiction books. I’ve done 2 puzzles (with my kiddos!), I’ve taken long walks with podcasts, moved my body, basked in the sun, sat on the front porch, done yardwork, started a new favorite podcast, started a capsule wardrobe, and more…I can’t wait to tackle more things I love to do on my list.
I used to think my phone was something I couldn’t live without, and now I know that it’s possible to make this tool work for me, and not the other way around. I enjoy the tools and ease that my phone provides me, but I don’t love the fact that I’ve been missing out on what’s right in front of me. That I’ve put off dealing with lots of things in my life, by simply focusing downward on that little glowing screen. I’ve learned I can leave my phone behind and the world won’t end. I’ve learned I don’t need 24-7 access to the world or my email or my work, and that the world doesn’t need 24-7 access to me for connection to be valuable.
I’ve learned I have so much more time than I think I have! I’m proud of myself for doing this experiment and sticking with it, and I’m excited to see what’s in store for the next year as I continue to work hard to uphold these boundaries. Will it be perfect? Heck no, but I’m sure it will be worth it to show up and try daily!
I hope me sharing my experience has inspired you to maybe snag this book and give it a try! The only thing stopping most of us from doing something like this is the believe that we simply can’t - but I’m here to tell you as someone who was HIGHLY addicted to her phone, that you can friend. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Heck you can start and stop and start again, you can take what resonates and leave the rest, but I highly highly recommend evaluating your phone relationship at some point in your life.
What’s eye opening is that you just might find that your phone is controlling you, rather than the other way around.